Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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