i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
