god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
