I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
