I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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