just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
