I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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