apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
