How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
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She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
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Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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