i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
