Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
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I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
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Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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