someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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