There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
