I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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