I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just tell him i said nine months
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
