So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
