Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
