i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
