The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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