I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
