I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
