I'm gonna have a badass scar
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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