Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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