Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
