Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
