she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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