I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
wow bdsm is so cute
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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