it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
