You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I still have a little drunk in my system
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
