i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You smell like a Billy Joel song
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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