I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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