The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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