Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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