I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
