the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Oh god it's open bar.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
