Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
