So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
birth control should be required to get into college
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
