he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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