If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Shame is for Republicans.
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