would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
