I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
