i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
