Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You don't make any sense
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