she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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