She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
