She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
