I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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