I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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