Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
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I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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