She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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