Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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