If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
