i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
