my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
