just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
