my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
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Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
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Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.